15 Rules of Etiquette for Rock Concerts

I've logged a lot of concert time. After seeing hundreds of bands, mostly at general admission shows (seats are for wimps), you learn a thing or two. I've done it all: backstage, onstage, met bands, crowd surfed, moshed, stood in the back, and been all the way up in the front. Back in my heyday, there were rules you followed at rock concerts. I liked the rules. They ensured that people didn't get hurt and that everyone had a good time, respectfully. The guys watched out for the girls, and we all took care of each other. Now, all that's gone to pot.

I haven't seen a good list of rules for rock concerts in a long time, so I decided to put one together myself. I admit that this is coming from a very jaded place of going to too many shows and dealing with too many kids who have NO idea what they're doing on the floor, so if this sort of perspective offends you, you may want to go read an article about fluffy bunnies instead. You can walk away now and continue to be THAT GUY at a show (the one everyone can't stand), or go on and read the rules:

Singing is good; the band likes it when you sing along. But keep it to a dull roar. The people around you would like to actually hear the band they paid to see. I'm not going to say that tone deaf people shouldn't sing at all because half the rock bands out there can't sing too well either. Sing it up, tone deaf people! Just...not louder than the band.

People who do this are called "THAT GUY". Don't be that guy. Yes, we know you like the band. That's why you're at the show, dummy.

 Once you start hitting people, that's your cue to bring it in tighter. Rocking out in a very small space is a learned skill--watch the veterans do it right. One important part of flailing in close quarters is keep your arms DOWN. [Except if you're in the front dealing with crowd surfers.] You will only hit people in the head by keeping your arms up, therefore pissing them off. Flailing your arms in the air while throwing bull horns is just about the lamest thing you can do. Nobody thinks you're punk rock. Just stop.

 It's a concert...at least PRETEND like you're having a good time. If you don't know how to have a good time and want to continue looking like you're at a funeral, at least stand in the back where the band can't see you. It's embarrassing for the rest of us to see you standing right in front of the band like this is the worst day of your life.

...where you won't annoy all the other people who came to the show to hear the BAND, not you and your annoying friends. Honestly, why see a band if you're there to socialize? Go to the mall instead.

There is no reason to be that early, unless you want to be the person against the barrier...which is just about the last spot you should want to be in (or maybe you enjoy metal bars crushing your internal organs slowly). Don't be a fan geek. And keep reading because the next one goes along with this one.

Yes I mean you, mini dress and 5 inch heels. The lead singer of All Time Low is not going to make out with you, so please stop trying so hard. It pains the rest of us to see you wobbling on your heels and hiking your skirt down all night. Use your common sense and wear something comfortable.

You don't need to charge like a rhino into the person in back of you to avoid ending up in the pit. If you're THAT afraid of getting near moshers, stay off the floor.

I know you're excited, but screaming at the top of your lungs in between songs, during instrumental breaks in songs, and before the band even comes onstage is bound to annoy the crap out of everyone around you. Plus make them deaf.

Nobody cares that you love the lead singer. Nobody cares that you want them to play that song. And 99 times out of 100, whatever you're saying is neither clever nor funny. Keep it to yourself. Concerts should be more like comedy shows, where the people who yell out stupid things get heckled. Now that would be awesome.

Too many times I've seen three 12 year olds start a "mosh pit" when all they're doing is creating wasted empty space and slamming themselves into little girls. 3 people do not make a mosh pit, you ninnies. And you running full force into your friend, who then slams full force into somebody in the audience, only gets people hurt. It does not make you cool. Real mosh pits have barriers (aka people who stand on the edges of the pit to ensure that the moshers stay in the pit and don't go careening into the crowd), they're contained, and much safer for everyone. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should NOT TRY TO MOSH.
p.s. Mosh is a stupid word, and I'm ashamed I've said it so many times here.

Crowd surfing practices depend a lot on the type of band you're seeing. Some shows attract crowd surfing more than others. But here's the general rule: You should only crowd surf a few times through the show. Don't be THAT GUY (there's that phrase again) who crowd surfs over and OVER AND OVER AGAIN....he's usually the only one crowd surfing too. Don't be that guy. It's no fun for everyone else who has to hold your ass up as you crowd surf during every song.

I'm talking to you, 6'5" guy who for some reason needs to be in the very front. I don't know what happened, but nobody looks out for each other anymore. I'm a very small girl, and when I first started going to shows, the guys around me would always ask me if I was ok. They'd get crowd surfers away from me and protect me from the pits. 5 years later, those same guys were shoving me to get in front of me, I was the one holding up crowd surfers AND protecting other girls from the pit. What the hell, guys? When did everybody turn into such a douche bag?

There's always one person who freaks out at other people touching them and/or getting too close...common sense tells you that if you're on the floor at a concert, there WILL be other people touching you. If this bothers you, go stand in the back. Please don't stand all the way up at the front, then proceed to flip out when the band starts, almost faint, and have to be carried away by a security guard. Know your limits.

If you're lucky enough to meet the band, the least you could do is say something to them. And "Hey can I take a picture with you?" doesn't count. Tell them you like their music. Tell them they played well. SAY SOMETHING for goodness sake. How would you like it if you had people stick cameras in your face all night and not say a word to you afterward? Hey rude-o. The band you like is right in front of you....talk to them instead of focusing on getting a new Facebook profile pic.

[I would put all the pictures of me with bands I've met here, but I was too busy talking to them to take pictures.]

Please share your 2 cents below in comments. Do you have pet peeves I haven't included here? Show off that snobbery!